Wednesday, December 30
Chloè, the french and more creative version of me. Soulsisters some might say. I'd rather call us lovers. Loving lovers.
I am well aware that these following words have been more worn out by me than I met a man last night and I do use those quite often, but nevertheless I feel the needs to say once again that I am sorry for being absent, I will pull it together for you and deliver some written down thoughts that you all can read and later forget.
Paris, I miss you I thought after spending several days in Stockholm, the capital of Sweden for the wedding I tried to crash. Let us never again mention that, all right lovers? So I went to the one city that I almost adore equally to Berlin and visited the lovely Chloè. We drank red wine that we heated on the stove ; the apartment she lives in has a poorly working heat system, we stayed in most of the time since Paris is filled with tourists and other idiots who don't even speak French.. Mon dieu..
We smoked untill our lungs begged for mercy, and invited boys from the street through the window to party with us. We kissed; we drank some more and then our blood red lips met again. It is a wonderful feeling, a girls wine tasting lips softly touching yours. When the night was so deep in that the streets were almost bearable to walk we visited the Eiffel tower. We simply had to. It's still magic, despite all the tourists.
Wednesday, December 23
Tuesday, December 22
She is a married woman, and I.. Well I'm simply alone and sad. She's begging me to spend Christmas with them, but I think that'll just make me feel sick. I want to go home now. And then I'll come visit again, when he has gotten sick of her. Oh, who am I kidding? She's perfect, they'll stay togheter until death parts them. I know it.
All I want for christmas is a bottle of Old Raj gin and a cigarette, and that is exactly what I'll get.
Wednesday, December 9
Decided that dinner out wasn't necessary, sushi takeout in bed awaits just a couple of streets away so now I'll put on my new slip from Agent Provocateur and the bracelet. oOf course. It would be to hurt him not to.
I don't know why I'm going there. Really don't. Maybe it is the fact that I miss having the weight of a man on top of me. Or the fact that I need to get bitten but I really really want to. It is not about him. It's about the way he looks at me ( from what I remember, he looked at me like he wanted to remember my every move)
Monday, December 7
Sunday, December 6
Wednesday, December 2
Today I really made an effort to be the good girl everyone wants me to be. I got up early, washed my hair and put decent cloths on for a day of school. I attended my classes and raised my hand when I had questions of which none were inappropriate ,but they sent me home. Claiming that I was to drunk, that I smelled of Bourbon ( they were wrong, I had Gin and tonic for breakfast) and that I had to go home and sober up. Something is obviously not right with today's school system if my behavior is called for that kind of punishment. I hate British schools. I want to go back to Belgium.
Although this did have an upside to it, instead of spending the afternoon in school I am now already at home. Will be watching one of my favorite movies and drinking some more, just because they told me to get sober reversed psychology is something that might have impact on me). Anyway, the movie; Antichrist by Lars Von Trier, have you seen it? It contains every single good ingredients a movie needs to become a masterpiece, especially if you start with watching Andreij Tarkovskijs The mirror and then watch Antichrist in the light of it.. They sort of complete each other in a way that is both appealing and repulsive at the same time. Much like my life.
Tuesday, December 1
Sunday, November 29
Thursday, November 26
I have several missed calls from Ellie, Amanda and others far less important. I have ten texts of which I have responded none and my doorbell has made sounds three times but I have not opened it once since Tuesday. Why do I still feel alone one might ask. I don't think further about it.
My new favorit that now shares a rating that is one on the top three pills to take is Propavan ,second one is Atarax when taken in large amounts and third is Prozac. So guess what I've been up to these last couples of days.. Yes, sleeping. Like a child
Monday, November 23
A glass of wine in her hand
I knew she would meet her connection
At her feet was her footloose man
- Rolling Stones
Something isn't right, I've been social for several days in a row now and it has been wearing me out. It takes a lot of strength to put a smile on everyday to go with your dress and heels, especially since I dress in black all day every day. Black and smiles does not go well together.
So I decided to stay in today, although I did attend school like I promised mother to do. And speaking of her, she has not mentioned anything about moving home although Tom is buriedand now long gone. I guess I should have been careful with my wishes...
Any minute now my Foie gras and a bottle of white wine will appear outside my door and from now on I will not utter a single word until the sun rises again.
Enjoy your evening lovers.
Wednesday, November 18
Monday, November 16
Saturday, November 14
But I am a little bit worried now.. Will she come home? How the fuck will I manage that?
Thursday, November 12
With this lonely game we play
Looking for words to say?
But not finding understanding anyway
We're lost in a mas--masquerade
- George Benson
I have one big phobia, one thing that scares me more than anything and that is my own phone. When it rings, my heart literally stops for a second and I shiver when I answer, if I answer. I hate answering my phone even when I know who's calling but today an unknown number called and I still can't believe I had the guts to answer, maybe it is my new found feeling of freedom from the Berlin trip that helped or maybe it was the bottle of Barolo 90's red wine that I poured down my throat after school - either way I did answer and it was one of Amanda’s friends, Ellie who invited me to a masquerade party tonight. You see, these people do not work and they do not study so a party today makes as much since to them as it does on a Friday for normal people. I don't belong in either category but I accepted anyway. If only I had that McQueen masc, that the horrible Lady Gaga had in some editorial I can't remember it would have been perfect, but I don't and I doubt that there is anyone in London who'll bring it to my door before the dark falls, and I don't do shopping. I don't do stores, and I especially don't do sales.
I guess I'll have to find something in my mothers closet, I told you she dated a man who stole things from the Danish operas closet didn't I? I bet she has something worth wearing thanks to that wonderful man.
Wednesday, November 11
Never had a friend or wanted one
So I just lay back and laugh at the sun
- Frank Sinatra
I'll tell you all about Berlin later today since I am actualy going to school now. To prepare myself for a day of horrible experiences such as having to talk to my fellow classmates I've started the day with two gin and tonics and half a Tramadol. Now I'm numb enought to shut their idiotic talk out and simply wander off inside my own head.
Have a nice day lovers.
Saturday, November 7
Fur: old and used, belonged to my grandmother. Bracelets: Mar by Marc Jacobs
Dress: stolen from the married mans closet, I assume it belonges to his wife. She is thin for a woman her age. Or maybe I'm fat. Anyway, a stolen dress is better than a dress you bought for yourself, and what is she going to do about it?
Wednesday, November 4
Besides a pair of Jimmy Choos, a marc by Marc Jacobs bracelet and diamond earings shaped like teardrops my mother also sent an clear check with the note " Buy yourself a ticket over here and take a swim with me"
I don't think so.. I'll go shopping tomorrow and then I'll escape town again. It was a long time since I visited Mike in Berlin, an old friend of mine from my early days as a manhunter. He wasn't my first, but that wasn't what I told him and after that he has sent me flowers every birthday. Besides, there is life in Berlin and I need some of that.
Friday, October 30
Thursday, October 29
Wednesday, October 28
Tuesday, October 27
Amanda claimed me to be looking thinner than ever. Maybe I should post a picture here soon again so that you all can tell me that I don't, because that is how the blogworld works, isn't it? Although I seem to be lucky enough to actualy have some nice readers who leaves sweet comments..
Anyway, the sushi never tastes as good at the restaurante as it does when eaten in bed while watching an old movie. It is not that I hate people, I just rather not hang out near them.
Monday, October 26
'come down now,' they'll say
But everything looks perfect from far away
'come down now,' but we'll stay...
- The postal service
I received a fucking loveletter today. It wasn't an email or even a text but an actual letter, written on papper with ink, sealed and everything. So to all of you who still believe the thought of french men being old fashioned to be a myth, take that. He wrote ten sentences about my eyes, five about my long blonde hair and twenty two about my breasts. Twentyfuckingtwo.
Do I sound upset? Well I am, I feel violated by this. All I wanted in Paris was to get nails pierced into my skin, for someone to pull my hair and to orgasm. I didn't seek any love, and didn't think I got any. But obviosly, there is no way to sleep with someone without emotions. Belive me, I've spent the last three years searching for someone who can fullfill these needs without the emotinal attachment but clearly I still haven't found it. Men are needy and I won't deal with it.
celibacy- it is now my only option.
Sunday, October 25
Friday, October 23
And now, I'll probably sleep for a thousand years.
Monday, October 12
Friday, October 9
I said "I'd rather be with your friends mate,
'cause they are much fitter"
- Kate Nash
Amanda always said she could tell my mood from the colour of my nails when we were fourteen and thought we were women. I always had red nails when I wanted to be choked by a man while piercing his skin with them and light pink when I wanted to have mai tais and feel sorry for myself. But now she says she have to take a sip of whatevers in my glas before she can tell. Apparently gin is a safe sign that I just bought new shoes and want nothing els than to sit alone in my library while wearing them and smoke. And wine.. well when I drink wine she assumes I need company; on the contrary to champagne which I only drink when I don't feel like talking (or if I happen to be at the opera).
And for the last cuple of days when I've been silent and absent, my nails have been dark purple and I've been pouring my mothers champagne bottles down my soar troath and thinking. David Bowies Heroes is on repeat. Can we really be heroes? Just for one day? Or are we all fucked up and miserable?
Tuesday, October 6
I did go and I stayed until now. We had gin and tonic in bed, I smoked slowly while he told me about that one album his band recorded 17 years ago that never sold more than a couple of hundred and I laughed. Laughter does not come easy for me so I'll give him points for that. But then he gave me a gift, La Perla underwear and stockings.
I hate men who gives woman underwear, why do they do so? It's like they want you to be the carachter of a movie, the young girl who has an affair with much older guy and gets underwear he thinks she can't afford herself. Excuse me sir, have you seen the red soles under my shoes? If I wanted La Perla I would have bought it myself, but I don't do sweet and theese underwear were unwearably pretty and pink. I like black lace and black lace only and preferably from Agent Provocateur. And I buy them for me, no men shall ever have any influence on what I wear closest to my skin, not even if they are the ones taking it off.
Came home to see that my mother has emailed me five times. She must think I'm dead. If she even thinks about it. I don't want to read them. Do I have to?
Sunday, October 4
Don't you know you might find
A better place to play
You said that you'd never been
But all the things that you've seen
Will slowly fade away
Amanda showed up this morning, threw a dress on my bed and said " wear that, put some lipstick on and get ready for brunch".
I don't do brunch. I don't do the whole eating infront of people thing at all. But she was so determined I simply got along with it. We went to The milk bar which isn't my style but Amanda is more of a small places and black coffee kind of girl, I think brunch should include champagne, and she had friends waiting there. I was to hung over to object. Her model boyfriend showed up , and I have to say he is more beautiful in person than he is in the pages of Nylon. Amandas friends are artist or musicians that no one now about but they all think that they are one step away from immortality thanks to their "work". I drank my coffee slowly and pushed pieces of bacon around on my plate. All I wanted was to get away from there and when Amanda finaly looked at me after half an hour of kissing I said good bye and left. I couldn't breath in there.
When I got home there were flowers waiting for me with a card and a key. "Meet me at 8, same room as last time". Maybe I will.
Tuesday, September 29
Well, I'd rather not get involved
I never talk to my neighbour
I'd rather not get involved
- The Smiths
I took a long walk earlier today, several hours out in the fresh air really cleared my head. Spent the night crying, yes crying. I haven't really cried in years but last night I did. I hate the fact that I am alone, I hate that she left for a fucking man who doesn't even love her, I hate that I haven't had good sex since I came back to London and I hate that I actualy miss being at my old boarding school in Belgium.
Monday, September 28
With that gleam in her eye
She said, "I'm sorry if I passed you by
I'm gonna skip my homework
Gonna cut my class
Bug out of here real fast"
- Simon and Garfunkel
You though I would grow up to be the leader of tomorrow or at least his wife. But mother, oh mother.. A loney teenager in London does not behave correctly when she has the option to online shop and drink copiously all day long instead. But today I did good.
Started the week with attending school to everyones suprise. Was sent straight to the Principals office were I was told a thing or two. But I didn't really listen, just smiled and said that I had to cope with some things before I could get myself out of the apartment and actually socialize. He felt sorry for me which was my plan, and then all was forgiven. Stayed for a couple of hours but around twelve I'd had enough. Treated myself with a new pair of Manolos for being such a good girl today.
Now I'm about to pour myself a third Gin and tonic, Amanda will be here soon and I want to get a head start. We are going to listen to Bowie and be sentimental. I hope your day will be as magnificent as mine.
Sunday, September 27
Friday, September 25
and you're a devil meaning well
you steal my lines and you strike me dumb
come raise your flag upon me
- The Cardigans
He texted me today, the man I stood up, saying That was not cool, I wish we could have hade our night. "Not cool"? Is he twelve? I hate him, and I don't even know him. Why do men only ever get emotional when the girl doesn't? Is it in their DNA?
Oh well, won't ever see him again so why should it bother me.
Why Does it bother me?
I have been staying in since then and the only social contact I've had was when Mary, our housekeeper came by this morning andwhen opening my door for the deliveries from various stores and restaurantes. That is one of the things I love about this town, or maybe the only thing, everything can be ordered to your door. Bottles of my favorit gin Old raj, wine, cigarettes, sushi, fois gras, macarones or underwear. It just shows up if you want it to. Very comfertable for a scared and uncomfortable soul like mine.
Thursday, September 24
Tina was singing her name
Old men like to rape her in the red light
She's too young and numb to complain
- Delta Spirit
As I told you all last night in drunken words, I didn't have a night out with him. He came here with his car, a silver sports car - the middle age crisis is obvious, and waited with the motor running for ten minutes. Several phone calls later of which I answered none, I could see his car leaving from the window hidden behind a curtain over 100 years old. Every piece of furniture in this apartment is old and has a history. It's disturbing.
I'm sure it wouldn't have been an anwful night, but I couldn't get out and meet him. I didn't want to look into his eyes, could barely remember their colour so it just felt impossible. And the sex.. Not worth an evening of uncomfertable conversations.
Just woke up, slowly smoking a cigarette in bed and typing. Will soon haze of again, the T has not left my system. Maybe next time one will be enough. Maybe not.
If I would have gone with him, this was the planned outfit. Instead I drank wine with Amanda in black lace panties, stay ups and a big t-shirt. Dress has a gorgeus shade of purple , pearls from Tiffany, earings Bvlgari.
Wednesday, September 23
You think that you've got the answer now
And you've been praying about it
You've asked him to remove your fear
I didn't go with the middle-aged man to the muscial. Just wanted to tell you lovely people that.
I was dressed up and everything but simply couldn't bare myself to get out of the apartment and into his car. He called seven times while I stood in the window watching his car waiting for me. I didn't answer.
Instead I called Amanda and shared four bottles of red wine with her during silence. She understands what I'm saying even when I don't speak.
And now... She has left and I'm bloody drunk and lonely and I have no one to call. Would any of you worm my bed tonight?
I'm assuming the answer is NO. So I'll take a pill or two and talk to you later, maybe in 24 hour or so. (These Tramadolpills are more effective when you are intoxicated as a motherfucker)
Tuesday, September 22
Lose some sleep and say you tried
Meet frustration face to face
A point of view creates more waves.
- Joy division
I had a hard time falling a sleep last night, like very night spent alone in this creepy seven room apartment whos walls apears to be speaking after 11pm. So I reached for my emergency stash which has been prescribed to me by mothers lover Tom, a plastic surgeon, and swallowed down two Tramadols with half a bottle of red wine (Barolo 1990). After that it's all blank.
Woke up ten minuts ago, drinking my morning wine and having a cigarette in the library - mother would have freaked but doesn't all great writers smoke?
Tramadol effects your vision, it creates movement where there shouldn't be any. It creates a calm where there was none before.
Night after night another old man kissing some young girl
You look for salvation, you find none
- Bob Dylan
So we went out last night, my one true love and I. Discussing how Maria Grachvogel was amazing at LFW, but how everyone there looks uglier for every year, it is not about age nor drugs - I think it is the fact that beauty is no longer the essential part of fashion. Balmain killed it.
Anyway, Amanda claimed to hate men, but I know that's not the case. Thats her emotionall side, her actions speaks louder and when the model texted she ran of quicker than I could say - One more Gin tonic please.
So I was left alone with my drink in a dark bar with traveling business men, thats one of the perks of drinking in hotel bars - everybody who is there is only visiting. And oh how I love men who leave. Tried to hide behind my hair, you've seen that it is quit effective, but was approached by a tall dark man in his mid forties. Wedding ring still on. That is how little he cared. And I as well.
Uneven movement that really needn't be any faster but still speeded up some times to an almost unbareable pace, then deep breaths, nails piercing my skin and then relief.
He left this morning, and I haven't stopped smoking yet.
Monday, September 21
Abandoned, alone and empty. But Amanda just texted me that we are going out to drink away our sorrows (she has been dumped by her underwear model boyfriend so I guess it’s more for her sake than mine, but I don’t care) so I’ll reluctantly face this awful city tonight but I’ll do it dressed in disaster, and Marc Jacobs heels.
The dress belonged to my grandmother, bought by my grandfather in Paris over 60 years ago.. They used to be real men, huh? And the ring was sent with love from father last christmas.
Lost in celestial alleyways
they wait for that old tramp Dog Man Moses
He takes in all the strays
- Bruce Springsteen
I never expected this not to happen. She was never the kind of mother who put a plaster on my bruised knee if I fell of my bicycle or the kind who made me pancakes for breakfast on my birthday (she always sent me happy birthday-cards and gifts weeks to late come to think of it). But I certainly did not expect it to happen so abruptly.
My mother Iris hates winter so she has always found ways to escape it. When I was in boarding school she was free to travel during the worst winter months and when I was even younger she simply had me "home-schooled" from Marbella, Maroco – insert any worm place and I’ve been there- but now since I am back from Belgium to spend my last year in London I guess she felt trapped. So she did what any determined woman with no heart would do, she packed her bags, wrote a letter and left with her newest lover Tom to seek for an endless summer in Australia.
And I, well.. I’m basically an orphan now.
So tonight I am swallowing down that insight with a large sip of Cadenhead’s Old raj gin on the rocks.