Thursday, March 28
I left an apartment in London that my mother left first. I left the loneliness and rainy weather to go where the sun shines and the father figures sleep safe and sound.
I felt cheated.
I slowly started to resent everything. Even him.
Friday, February 15
I packed my bags and threw some fur on. LA is a cold hearted motherfucker and I dressed for blistering cold. At the arriving hall my name was on none of the signs. There was no one there loning to see me. No handsome man all dressed in black hiding a cloud of smoke. There was no one.
At Father figure Franks house the pool was drained, but all of his furniture was still there. The closet was full. So I decided to wait for him. And so I did for three weeks.
I wandered the halls longing for him, I stayed up all night wishing that the sound of the wind was actualy the sound of his car pulling up. I was his faithfull soldier.
But little did he care.
Thursday, February 14
I wanted to disappear into Lala-land and watch Frank go down like a battleship.
I wanted love
I didn't end up in the sun. I ended up far away.
Let me tell you a story about Dubai.
It's where drugs are free and love is dead, and sex is money.
Let me tell you about my last year.
Friday, January 18
Almost a year a go I packed my bag and left London. Couldn't bare it anymore. Mother kept sending her friends over to check on me and they all screamed REHAB as soon as I opened the door. After a while I kept the door closed, ignoring their endless shouting but being locked in doesn't suit me. It didn't seem worthy. And when mother got desperate enough she froze my account. As if she thought she could starve me in to obedience.
Anyway. I left.
Thursday, February 16
Sunday, January 22
Everybody, at some point in their lives, wakes up in the middle of the night with the feeling that they are all alone in the world, and that nobody loves them now and that nobody will ever love them, and that they will never have a decent night’s sleep again and will spend their lives wandering blearily around a loveless landscape, hoping desperately that their circumstances will improve, but suspecting, in their heart of hearts, that they will remain unloved forever. The best thing to do in these circumstances is to wake somebody else up, so that they can feel this way, too.
~ Lemony Snicket, Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Cant Avoid
The best thing to do then is to embrace it. Learn to love that feeling, let it grow deeper and welcome the loneliness. Dont fool yourself into thinking it'll be better. It wont.