WHISKEY TANGO

Once I start I cant seem to stop. I always want more. No I always need more. You know.

The fast paste of this city scares the living shit out of me, it's like what ever I try to grasp just keeps floating further away. Reaching but never really getting close to anything. I started reading the holy bible last night. nothing left but it although my library is filled with words from wise men. I've consumed it all, ate it all up during all those late night binges. Desperate for something new. Something higher than this, something greater.

Noah built an ark (I would have punctured a vein)

if there isn't any solicitude left here, then what are we supposed to do?

Get high, fuck our brains out, buy expensive cloths, cry until our eyes are red.

I'd rather swallow a cart of Tramadol and watch The hills.

Everybody, at some point in their lives, wakes up in the middle of the night with the feeling that they are all alone in the world, and that nobody loves them now and that nobody will ever love them, and that they will never have a decent night’s sleep again and will spend their lives wandering blearily around a loveless landscape, hoping desperately that their circumstances will improve, but suspecting, in their heart of hearts, that they will remain unloved forever. The best thing to do in these circumstances is to wake somebody else up, so that they can feel this way, too.

~ Lemony Snicket, Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Cant Avoid

Fuck no.

The best thing to do then is to embrace it. Learn to love that feeling, let it grow deeper and welcome the loneliness. Dont fool yourself into thinking it'll be better. It wont.

How to alienate everyone around you

Never ever ask anything similar to "and how about you"

NEVER

Last night I grew wings and learned how to fly

It's midnight, at China white and Im not sure why Im here. But I do know with whom. Eva dances by her self in a dark corner and I cant keep my eyes away from her. I finish my drink and order another one. A third one, and then a forth. I cant remember which day it is, or if I have classes tomorrow. But I know she wont let me leave. Not yet.

Im in the bathroom, and I stare at myself in the mirror trying to smile. It doesnt come naturally and I kind of freak myself out with my horrible grin. I put some more lipstick on, and rush in to an empty booth. I need to breath heavily for a while.

Outside somewhere Eva dances, and when she smiles it looks as though she wants to. She smiles as though her life depended on it.

I envy her smile.

I order another drink, and then I finally let the fuck go.

So, Im alive. sort of. Im just.. in a loss of words. swimming around my own ocean, an ocean of doubt and pain.

Fuck it. Im back.

Lets talk more tomorrow.

I miss you

Ive been to hell and back so many times

Sometimes you all scare me. Because there are so many of you now.

In my mind though, you're a small grou of ten or possibly twelve out there reading. I feel as though we could all fit around one or two tables in a bar. That we all know each other and speak in low voices about our secrets and troubles. This is how I feel until I hit that "stats" button. Then you all scare the shit out of me. And when I'm afraid, I run.

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY AND I'LL DIE IF I WANT TO

Rules of attraction

Been down and out for a while now. My fever still runs high, and my mind is almost starting to get used to this overheated state. I try to fight it by dressing up, pretending to have plans that require dresses and high heels. Last night I almost made it to the front door before I passed out.

Luckily, I was dressed in a very suitable way.

Jil Sander really do make the perfect dresses for corpses.

What I have been up to

Fever sweats and strong pain killers

I've spent the last couple of days in bed. Half awake, half asleep.

I dreamt about Patrick Bateman carefully removing my teeth with a hammer. One by one.

Someone once told me that dreams about loosing teeth means you're worried about being forgotten. Spot on, Id say.

It was in the deepest of sleep Ive been in ages.