Art, love and madness

Another couple of weeks passed. I walked the endless halls of my own tormented soul. Searching for something, a clue or a guess of some sort. I smashed every photo that hanged off the walls. I smashed them and when my hands started bleeding I replaced the photos with my own bloody art work. I hope he gets back to see it.

I left an apartment in London that my mother left first. I left the loneliness and rainy weather to go where the sun shines and the father figures sleep safe and sound.
I felt cheated.

I slowly started to resent everything. Even him.

How I lost everything last year

So I left London to go be with father figure Frank. To get on some kind of common ground with him. To be honest I just wanted to be on common ground with anyone because ever since Paris Hilton started wearing my darling Jill Sander, I had no one.

I packed my bags and threw some fur on. LA is a cold hearted motherfucker and I dressed for blistering cold. At the arriving hall my name was on none of the signs. There was no one there loning to see me. No handsome man all dressed in black hiding a cloud of smoke. There was no one.

At Father figure Franks house the pool was drained, but all of his furniture was still there. The closet was full. So I decided to wait for him. And so I did for three weeks.
I wandered the halls longing for him, I stayed up all night wishing that the sound of the wind was actualy the sound of his car pulling up. I was his faithfull soldier.

But little did he care.

Where cupcakes smells like cocaine

I wanted to go to the sun, to soak up me the heath and get fucking tanned.
I wanted to disappear into Lala-land and watch Frank go down like a battleship.

I wanted love

I didn't end up in the sun. I ended up far away.

Let me tell you a story about Dubai.
It's where drugs are free and love is dead, and sex is money.

Let me tell you about my last year.

Darlings

I will give it a try again Don't scare me please.

 Almost a year a go I packed my bag and left London. Couldn't bare it anymore. Mother kept sending her friends over to check on me and they all screamed REHAB as soon as I opened the door. After a while I kept the door closed, ignoring their endless shouting but being locked in doesn't suit me. It didn't seem worthy. And when mother got desperate enough she froze my account. As if she thought she could starve me in to obedience.

 Anyway. I left.

WHISKEY TANGO

Once I start I cant seem to stop. I always want more. No I always need more. You know.

The fast paste of this city scares the living shit out of me, it's like what ever I try to grasp just keeps floating further away. Reaching but never really getting close to anything. I started reading the holy bible last night. nothing left but it although my library is filled with words from wise men. I've consumed it all, ate it all up during all those late night binges. Desperate for something new. Something higher than this, something greater.

Noah built an ark (I would have punctured a vein)

if there isn't any solicitude left here, then what are we supposed to do?

Get high, fuck our brains out, buy expensive cloths, cry until our eyes are red.

I'd rather swallow a cart of Tramadol and watch The hills.

Everybody, at some point in their lives, wakes up in the middle of the night with the feeling that they are all alone in the world, and that nobody loves them now and that nobody will ever love them, and that they will never have a decent night’s sleep again and will spend their lives wandering blearily around a loveless landscape, hoping desperately that their circumstances will improve, but suspecting, in their heart of hearts, that they will remain unloved forever. The best thing to do in these circumstances is to wake somebody else up, so that they can feel this way, too.

~ Lemony Snicket, Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Cant Avoid

Fuck no.

The best thing to do then is to embrace it. Learn to love that feeling, let it grow deeper and welcome the loneliness. Dont fool yourself into thinking it'll be better. It wont.

How to alienate everyone around you

Never ever ask anything similar to "and how about you"

NEVER

Last night I grew wings and learned how to fly

It's midnight, at China white and Im not sure why Im here. But I do know with whom. Eva dances by her self in a dark corner and I cant keep my eyes away from her. I finish my drink and order another one. A third one, and then a forth. I cant remember which day it is, or if I have classes tomorrow. But I know she wont let me leave. Not yet.

Im in the bathroom, and I stare at myself in the mirror trying to smile. It doesnt come naturally and I kind of freak myself out with my horrible grin. I put some more lipstick on, and rush in to an empty booth. I need to breath heavily for a while.

Outside somewhere Eva dances, and when she smiles it looks as though she wants to. She smiles as though her life depended on it.

I envy her smile.

I order another drink, and then I finally let the fuck go.

So, Im alive. sort of. Im just.. in a loss of words. swimming around my own ocean, an ocean of doubt and pain.

Fuck it. Im back.

Lets talk more tomorrow.

I miss you