Wednesday, December 30

Je l'aime

Chloè, the french and more creative version of me. Soulsisters some might say. I'd rather call us lovers. Loving lovers.

I am well aware that these following words have been more worn out by me than I met a man last night and I do use those quite often, but nevertheless I feel the needs to say once again that I am sorry for being absent, I will pull it together for you and deliver some written down thoughts that you all can read and later forget.

Paris, I miss you I thought after spending several days in Stockholm, the capital of Sweden for the wedding I tried to crash. Let us never again mention that, all right lovers? So I went to the one city that I almost adore equally to Berlin and visited the lovely Chloè. We drank red wine that we heated on the stove ; the apartment she lives in has a poorly working heat system, we stayed in most of the time since Paris is filled with tourists and other idiots who don't even speak French.. Mon dieu..
We smoked untill our lungs begged for mercy, and invited boys from the street through the window to party with us. We kissed; we drank some more and then our blood red lips met again. It is a wonderful feeling, a girls wine tasting lips softly touching yours. When the night was so deep in that the streets were almost bearable to walk we visited the Eiffel tower. We simply had to. It's still magic, despite all the tourists.

Wednesday, December 23

The sweetnes in feeling lonely this close to Christmas

I regret every single thing I ever said, I said those things to softly.

Tuesday, December 22

By your side

I'm exhausted.

She is a married woman, and I.. Well I'm simply alone and sad. She's begging me to spend Christmas with them, but I think that'll just make me feel sick. I want to go home now. And then I'll come visit again, when he has gotten sick of her. Oh, who am I kidding? She's perfect, they'll stay togheter until death parts them. I know it.

All I want for christmas is a bottle of Old Raj gin and a cigarette, and that is exactly what I'll get.

Wednesday, December 9

When the night falls, a very lonely heart calls

I knew something was up when he sent me that corny bracelet out of nowhere and just about one hour a go he called. In town for two days, staying at a hotel close by my appartment and hungry for dinner or at least something to put his teath into. I still have marks on my shoulder since the last time.

Decided that dinner out wasn't necessary, sushi takeout in bed awaits just a couple of streets away so now I'll put on my new slip from Agent Provocateur and the bracelet. oOf course. It would be to hurt him not to.

I don't know why I'm going there. Really don't. Maybe it is the fact that I miss having the weight of a man on top of me. Or the fact that I need to get bitten but I really really want to. It is not about him. It's about the way he looks at me ( from what I remember, he looked at me like he wanted to remember my every move)


I remember when breakfast did not contain wine and cigarettes

I once was pure and innocent. I don't miss it.

However, do you remember the business man I met at a hotel bar, and later I ditched him on the nigh of our second date? He sent me a bracelet from M by MJ with the cheesy message "Given in love. For protection" on, in Latin of course. I can't help but smile, it's sweet. And stupid. How is it even possible that he remembers my address? and my name for that matter, did I even tell him?

Monday, December 7

Ballad of belle

Businessmen, they drink my wine
plowmen dig my earth
None of them along the line know what any of it is worth
- Jimi Hendrix

Lovers, I know you expect more from me. I know you all think that I need to spit out more words, bare my soul even more, strip down until I have nothing covering up my bones- but lately I've been tired. It might have something to do with the amounts of Atarax I've taken, the upside is oh so good which explains why I take them. You see, after swallowing- it feels as though someone has pushed the pause button of your life. It is all so very still. It's amazing. However, now I am both sober and clear in my head but still not in school. I don't want to. Today, I'll eat sushi sitting on the floor while listening to an old LP with Joy Division instead while wearing nothing but stay ups and red lipstick. I hope you have a great Monday, I know I will.

Wednesday, December 2

torture and porn

Today I really made an effort to be the good girl everyone wants me to be. I got up early, washed my hair and put decent cloths on for a day of school. I attended my classes and raised my hand when I had questions of which none were inappropriate ,but they sent me home. Claiming that I was to drunk, that I smelled of Bourbon ( they were wrong, I had Gin and tonic for breakfast) and that I had to go home and sober up. Something is obviously not right with today's school system if my behavior is called for that kind of punishment. I hate British schools. I want to go back to Belgium.

Although this did have an upside to it, instead of spending the afternoon in school I am now already at home. Will be watching one of my favorite movies and drinking some more, just because they told me to get sober reversed psychology is something that might have impact on me). Anyway, the movie; Antichrist by Lars Von Trier, have you seen it? It contains every single good ingredients a movie needs to become a masterpiece, especially if you start with watching Andreij Tarkovskijs The mirror and then watch Antichrist in the light of it.. They sort of complete each other in a way that is both appealing and repulsive at the same time. Much like my life.


Tuesday, December 1

Eighteen and life

Tell me something. Why is vomiting from anxiety totally okay when done in the company of friends but pathetic and destructive when done alone?