Friday, February 19

Silence sits in walls much like the smell of cigarres

Jakandjil.com

After several cups of coffee, dinners and long walks he still has questions to ask me. And I haven't found any answers, I bet I never will. But he does not answer mine either.

Things we do not talk about:
Where he was my first years and why he chose not to spend that time with me and mother.
What he did do after he left, where di he go. Who the girl who keeps on calling is, and weather or not the black lace bra I found in the bathroom belongs to her. Why he drinks gin in the morning. Why he decided to become my father again. Why does he want me here?

I need some company, if I wasn't terrified of phones I would call Miri.

9 comments:

s + b said...

oh, belle, i wish i was your friend in real life and you could call me and we'd paint our toenails and eat crepes. dads are awkward, i think.

Lila Rose said...

you're amazing xx

tywo said...

Lovely.

apparellel said...

i've had a similar situation, so i think i can empathize. i also am not a fan of the phone.

xxx
t

Heather Taylor said...

Oh darling, your words are so tragically beautiful. At least the sun came out a little bit today.

les jeune fille à les oiseaux said...

unanswered questions always turn out to be the worst, i think.

Schnappy said...

Hi! the smoking kills! :(

Sophia said...

My father... Oh so overwhelming. I wish to see the day my dad decides to become my dad again.

Much love,
Sophia

Panty Buns said...

Oh dear. You are so brave and courageous seeking all the answers you deserve. I'm proud of you for doing so. It's much better to know the truth. I was adopted. I didn't want to spend the rest of my life looking at every woman I passed and wondering if she was my mother. You have the right to know everything about your own hereditary medical history - what genetic diseases or causes of death have run in the family, etc.. And I think your father should tell you those things you don't talk about. There are responsibilities that come with being a parent. You have my sympathy for having had alcoholic parents. I'm glad at least he feels some paternal bond.