Tuesday, September 29

Left my safety zone today

The death of a disco dancer
Well, I'd rather not get involved
I never talk to my neighbour
I'd rather not get involved
- The Smiths

I took a long walk earlier today, several hours out in the fresh air really cleared my head. Spent the night crying, yes crying. I haven't really cried in years but last night I did. I hate the fact that I am alone, I hate that she left for a fucking man who doesn't even love her, I hate that I haven't had good sex since I came back to London and I hate that I actualy miss being at my old boarding school in Belgium.

So I walked my anger and sadness of dressed in a Burberry trench and my hair in a tight ponytail, up and down the streets of this semi-beatiful town. Found a window that catched my eye, it looks like I imagine my organs do. I'm not very nice to them I know, drinking seven days a week, taking heavy painkillers for no reason and smoke worse then french girls in movies. But I can't think of a single reason to take care of my innerself. Whats the point?
Will light a cigarette now, wish someone els could do it for me. And I'd like somebody to pour my wine for me as well, but that requires me going to a bar or something and I simply won't do it. Not today.


Monday, September 28

Way to start the week

Then she turned around to me
With that gleam in her eye
She said, "I'm sorry if I passed you by
I'm gonna skip my homework
Gonna cut my class
Bug out of here real fast"
- Simon and Garfunkel

You though I would grow up to be the leader of tomorrow or at least his wife. But mother, oh mother.. A loney teenager in London does not behave correctly when she has the option to online shop and drink copiously all day long instead. But today I did good.

Started the week with attending school to everyones suprise. Was sent straight to the Principals office were I was told a thing or two. But I didn't really listen, just smiled and said that I had to cope with some things before I could get myself out of the apartment and actually socialize. He felt sorry for me which was my plan, and then all was forgiven. Stayed for a couple of hours but around twelve I'd had enough. Treated myself with a new pair of Manolos for being such a good girl today.

Now I'm about to pour myself a third Gin and tonic, Amanda will be here soon and I want to get a head start. We are going to listen to Bowie and be sentimental. I hope your day will be as magnificent as mine.


I wanted to wear something ironic, an outfit that screamed "You are all silly for putting up with this bullocks, these classes and books to read", but instead I looked like a straight A student myself. So I guess the outfit really was ironic, just not the way I wanted it to be.

Sunday, September 27


Goals for the week to come:

A) Attend school two times, and stay for half the day at least B) No sleeping with men who wear wedding rings.

Friday, September 25

Oh it's healing

I'm an angel bored like hell
and you're a devil meaning well
you steal my lines and you strike me dumb
come raise your flag upon me
- The Cardigans

He texted me today, the man I stood up, saying That was not cool, I wish we could have hade our night. "Not cool"? Is he twelve? I hate him, and I don't even know him. Why do men only ever get emotional when the girl doesn't? Is it in their DNA?

Oh well, won't ever see him again so why should it bother me.
Why Does it bother me?
Fuck him.

I have been staying in since then and the only social contact I've had was when Mary, our housekeeper came by this morning andwhen opening my door for the deliveries from various stores and restaurantes. That is one of the things I love about this town, or maybe the only thing, everything can be ordered to your door. Bottles of my favorit gin Old raj, wine, cigarettes, sushi, fois gras, macarones or underwear. It just shows up if you want it to. Very comfertable for a scared and uncomfortable soul like mine.


Thursday, September 24

Feathers and wine

Now: Sushi will come knocking on my door any second and I will eat during silence.

She knows the truth

Her head was spinning like a hurricane
Tina was singing her name
Old men like to rape her in the red light
She's too young and numb to complain
- Delta Spirit

As I told you all last night in drunken words, I didn't have a night out with him. He came here with his car, a silver sports car - the middle age crisis is obvious, and waited with the motor running for ten minutes. Several phone calls later of which I answered none, I could see his car leaving from the window hidden behind a curtain over 100 years old. Every piece of furniture in this apartment is old and has a history. It's disturbing.

I'm sure it wouldn't have been an anwful night, but I couldn't get out and meet him. I didn't want to look into his eyes, could barely remember their colour so it just felt impossible. And the sex.. Not worth an evening of uncomfertable conversations.

Just woke up, slowly smoking a cigarette in bed and typing. Will soon haze of again, the T has not left my system. Maybe next time one will be enough. Maybe not.

If I would have gone with him, this was the planned outfit. Instead I drank wine with Amanda in black lace panties, stay ups and a big t-shirt. Dress has a gorgeus shade of purple , pearls from Tiffany, earings Bvlgari.

Wednesday, September 23

Anxiety and four bottles of wine

So you've be thinkin' about it
You think that you've got the answer now
And you've been praying about it
You've asked him to remove your fear
right now
- Goldfinger

I didn't go with the middle-aged man to the muscial. Just wanted to tell you lovely people that.

I was dressed up and everything but simply couldn't bare myself to get out of the apartment and into his car. He called seven times while I stood in the window watching his car waiting for me. I didn't answer.

Instead I called Amanda and shared four bottles of red wine with her during silence. She understands what I'm saying even when I don't speak.
And now... She has left and I'm bloody drunk and lonely and I have no one to call. Would any of you worm my bed tonight?

I'm assuming the answer is NO. So I'll take a pill or two and talk to you later, maybe in 24 hour or so. (These Tramadolpills are more effective when you are intoxicated as a motherfucker)


Tuesday, September 22

In a mist of dreams

Take a chance and step outside
Lose some sleep and say you tried
Meet frustration face to face
A point of view creates more waves.
- Joy division

I had a hard time falling a sleep last night, like very night spent alone in this creepy seven room apartment whos walls apears to be speaking after 11pm. So I reached for my emergency stash which has been prescribed to me by mothers lover Tom, a plastic surgeon, and swallowed down two Tramadols with half a bottle of red wine (Barolo 1990). After that it's all blank.

Woke up ten minuts ago, drinking my morning wine and having a cigarette in the library - mother would have freaked but doesn't all great writers smoke?
So the books expect some cigarettes every once in a while, non?

Tramadol effects your vision, it creates movement where there shouldn't be any. It creates a calm where there was none before.
Tramadol loves you when your mother doesn't.

When the dark falls

Night after night some new plan to blow up the world
Night after night another old man kissing some young girl
You look for salvation, you find none
- Bob Dylan

So we went out last night, my one true love and I. Discussing how Maria Grachvogel was amazing at LFW, but how everyone there looks uglier for every year, it is not about age nor drugs - I think it is the fact that beauty is no longer the essential part of fashion. Balmain killed it.
Anyway, Amanda claimed to hate men, but I know that's not the case. Thats her emotionall side, her actions speaks louder and when the model texted she ran of quicker than I could say - One more Gin tonic please.

So I was left alone with my drink in a dark bar with traveling business men, thats one of the perks of drinking in hotel bars - everybody who is there is only visiting. And oh how I love men who leave. Tried to hide behind my hair, you've seen that it is quit effective, but was approached by a tall dark man in his mid forties. Wedding ring still on. That is how little he cared. And I as well.

Uneven movement that really needn't be any faster but still speeded up some times to an almost unbareable pace, then deep breaths, nails piercing my skin and then relief.

He left this morning, and I haven't stopped smoking yet.


Monday, September 21

Childhood memories

Don't let me know we're invisible
Hot cash days that you trailed around
Cold cold nights under chrome and glass
Led me down river of perfumed limbs
-David Bowie
I used to have crooked teeth when I was younger and everybody said it was charming, everyone except my mother. So she sent me to a dentist who gave me an invisible brace that was supposed to fix my awful beauty-error and make the unbearable shame for my mother easier to live with. It looked great after just a couple of weeks but the pain was insufferable.
And since no one knew anything, and I was embarrassed enough not to tell, no one understood why I was in such an awful mood all the time. They had no idea what kind of pain I was going trough every time I tried to eat, and my whole life nowadays feels exactly like that.

Abandoned, alone and empty. But Amanda just texted me that we are going out to drink away our sorrows (she has been dumped by her underwear model boyfriend so I guess it’s more for her sake than mine, but I don’t care) so I’ll reluctantly face this awful city tonight but I’ll do it dressed in disaster, and Marc Jacobs heels.

The dress belonged to my grandmother, bought by my grandfather in Paris over 60 years ago.. They used to be real men, huh? And the ring was sent with love from father last christmas.


Song for the orphans

There are orphans junked on silver mountains
Lost in celestial alleyways
they wait for that old tramp Dog Man Moses
He takes in all the strays
- Bruce Springsteen

I never expected this not to happen. She was never the kind of mother who put a plaster on my bruised knee if I fell of my bicycle or the kind who made me pancakes for breakfast on my birthday (she always sent me happy birthday-cards and gifts weeks to late come to think of it). But I certainly did not expect it to happen so abruptly.

My mother Iris hates winter so she has always found ways to escape it. When I was in boarding school she was free to travel during the worst winter months and when I was even younger she simply had me "home-schooled" from Marbella, Maroco – insert any worm place and I’ve been there- but now since I am back from Belgium to spend my last year in London I guess she felt trapped. So she did what any determined woman with no heart would do, she packed her bags, wrote a letter and left with her newest lover Tom to seek for an endless summer in Australia.

And I, well.. I’m basically an orphan now.

So tonight I am swallowing down that insight with a large sip of Cadenhead’s Old raj gin on the rocks.