Tuesday, March 15

Retrospective and father figures

Last night was another pitch black picture in which I was left alone, with no help except the bottles of prescribed dreams. No girl in my open window, smoking and watching. Nothing to remind me that I am in fact a person, a human being. I was nothing but a ghost of a stranger to myself, a vision in the mirror that I didn't even recognise after two Demerols and three tramadols. Five pills and I float above my own body. There's nothing magical about it.

Managed to drift of, on the floor with Wallpaper next to me. Bed time stories for fashionistas. Models for company.
Frank spoke to me in a mist of dreams. He told me about the first time he saw me, Ive told you that story once. Outside our town house he came in his black car. Hey kid and so on. But then the dream changed, I was drunk in a bar and he was there. Sitting in the corner watching me, I said something mean not directly to him but meant for his ears and in the next scene I was falling slowly and just as I was about to hit the wooden floor he caught me, lifted me up and held me close to his chest. His heart was beating like a drum. I wanted to sing along but couldn't think of a single song. He kissed my forehead, and I woke up sweaty and with salty drops on my cheeks. I carefully licked my lips, tried to taste the dream but there was only dried up wine left.

I emptied the bottle next to me, washed down another Demerol and tried to haze off but couldn't. Instead I picked up the phone and within minutes I heard that familiar voice again

- Whats shakin', kid?
- I need you


Anonymous said...

I need you too. Reach out to me Belle.

Syrious said...

i totalle love the black picture!!
it's amazing and you look great!!
hope you'll follow me so i'll do the same


Syrious said...

i totalle love the black picture!!
it's amazing and you look great!!
hope you'll follow me so i'll do the same


Isquisofrenia said...

diggin your style and blog!!

ralph young said...

I love that piece, where you tell us about the first time you met him. It's beautiful. So, tell us more?

Caroline said...

Like the writing, hate the reality of it. since you say it's true I just have to believe you, and it scares me. Pills like those you take are seriously dangerous. you know that?

Linda Love London said...

LOVE the photo. although, we've seen it before haven't we?

anyways, fantastic photo as always. do you have someone to help you with those?

Anonymous said...

a degree of humility might be more appropriate, or would even do you good. look at japan, look what really matters, at people who really suffer, from things much more serious than boredom. don't call yourself orphan, as they are both alive.you mock all those people who really suffer.your mockery is what's really horrid and cruel, without any trace of beauty or glamour or a story remotely worth telling, good night belle. it falls. adieu.

Anonymous said...

You write beautifully.
I hope you are well.
All my love.


Raez said...

beautiful words. beautiful photo.

xx raez

wobblinbetty said...

your posts are addictive hun xxx

BackOfTheOne said...

so amazing!!!!!!!

Tabs A. Geek said...


And ignore the anonymous poster. They didn't even have the courage to leave you their name. It's a self-righteous throne, the world of the anonymous. There is nothing wrong with acknowledging your own hurt and suffering, even in the midst of the suffering of others.

Suffering is what reminds you that you are human. Not that it makes it a good thing.

I hope father figure frank came to your rescue.