Two deep breaths, in out in out and then I decide that I am strong enough to do this. I step inside, this room used to be mothers. Now Miri sleeps on the floor her heels once walked on. Quiet and peacefully she sleeps. Like a fucking zombie.
I havent slept since she arrived. Nor had I gotten any sleep before that either. I simply cant. Bein unconscious doesn't count.
When she sleeps I walk the endless hallways, I read books Ive read ten times before. I let my tears fall in to them. Bury my emotions in Karenina, 1984, Lolita..
Gather some courage, swallow some left over wine, I read another page in mothers book. Black covers, yellow pages and horrible grammar. Hate. She tells me further about Louis and how he is a burden she must carry. I suddenly feel last nights dinner re entering my mouth. Let it out in the kitchen sink. Last nights wine paint my snow white chin red. Dark red. Like coagulated blood.
Lace knickers Agent provocateur
Cashmere blouse Jil Sander. Mothers old one.
I have never felt closer to her.