Thursday, February 10

signs and the meaning of life

We're the generation who has nothing to say, and we proclaim that fact every single day.

I enter China white, dive straight into the euphoria that is chaos and coke. Loud music and beautiful people, eat me alive please. Consume my flesh.
Im in the middle of a deluge, a limbo. This is not an exit a sign tells me. No its not I suddenly scream out loud. Does anyone hear me though? No. Im like a tree falling in the forest.


They're busy chasing drugs, blow jobs or if nothing else at least a drink or two. I suddenly come to think about what one of my teachers once told me about the black sea "It was a violent rush of salt water into a depressed fresh-water lake in a single catastrophe that has been the inspiration for the flood mythology" and I suddenly feel as though maybe he was talking about me. A violent rush.

Miri smiles, drags me into the bathroom. Inhale this darling this is not an exit. She pees on the floor, my red soles plash against her urine and the expression on her face: pure pride
I escape, leave her there. And then the real deluge comes crashing and I decide then and there to let the fuck go. I pour plum wine down my soar throat and smoke in the crowded hallway. I think about Avy and her perfect legs. About Chloé and all that love. Father figure Frank and mother. This is not an exit, it's a ferocious rush of salt water down my chin.

11 comments:

sanchez said...

your blog is changing really fast. and I guess you are too. But aren't we all?

sometimes I wish we had something to really shout about.

I really adore the picture.

Aurélie said...

gorgeous belle, always with the ability to put everything into words, to describe the things we feel and do not feel, say it out loud, what we should not even think about.
Bisous, a

Anise said...

fucking beautiful beautiful beautiful xx x

JUST ME said...

I can't do coke anymore. I left it behind in NYC. It turned me into a psychotic robot who did work and cleaned and danced until I wanted to barf.

It may sound a little fun but I promise you...it was not.

Beautiful writing as always.

Linda Love London said...

I thought that was you, crying in the alley. I wanted to say something, anything, but couldn't. I walked by.

AVY said...

My legs are only perfect when they're wrapped around you, ma belle.

helen said...

you say everything that i wish i could but cannot.

too beautiful for words.

Christopher said...

I found this to be a little overwhelming. In a very good way.

Rudie Wilderness said...

belle i love you.

margg. said...

you are too perfect.
xo

Tabs A. Geek said...

They always said that we were the lazy generation -- the ones full of potential who had no desire to use it, instead to lay it to waste on selfish pursuits to fulfil lives in the way that leaves us empty and with no way out.

Sometimes, I wonder if they were right.

You are gorgeous, as always.