Sunday, April 4

We might as well be strangers

It's hard trying to compose something about how you feel, when feelings are new to you. Since I entered Lalaland I've been somewhat clear in my head, the haze from my pills have been absent which has shed a new light on everything. Making me experience things, for real and not from a distance. And that's both beautiful and awful.

When someone asks me how I really feel, I never have an answer for them. I rarely talk about emotions which might seem like a paradox to you, but there's an enormous difference in writing here and actualy saying the words out loud. I hide behind metaphores and song lyrics, photos and anger. I don't talk about what I write, I don't write like I talk. This right here, my words on a silly webpage is the most real I have ever been in my entire life. I think you know me more than I want to admit, I've invited you all into my dark and troubled mind and you always have love in your words when you write back, so I'm trying not to climb back into the cage where I used to put all my thoughts and emotions, I'm trying to take the open and honest Belle into to real world. Thing is, I'm scared. Everyone I've ever let in has left. But you haven't.


tiana lachelle said...

I feel the same way :]


Happy Easter.

Anise said...

holy mother fucking shit umm how did you get into my head???? sorry for the swearies. i could've written this post. it is word for word what i am saying / feeling / everything. literally. word for word.

also, beautifully written.

also? is that photo of you? because you are beautiful. and i see you there hiding behind the world.

xx x

JenniAsh said...

This is a very good post, it hits home. It's good that you're learning to open up more. :)


Anonymous said...

It sounds like you are expressing your feeling nicely. What do I know?

apparellel said...

oh how i understand and empathize with you. i used to (and still do to a point) hold everything inside, until one day my wall of denial came crashing down all around me, and i had no choice but to feel all of the feelings i had held deep inside for so long. it was horrible and i will tell anyone and everyone how important it is to express your feelings. it may be painful, but not as painful as it is, when it all builds up and you are fucked. sending you love. thank you for sharing your intimate self with us. love.


Anonymous said...

You keep telling it, Belle real, and all that troubling darkness will slowly fade away.
"Yeah All your sickness, I can suck it up. Throw it all at me, I can shrug it off." with a whisper I sing "I'll never be your beast, of burden. my back is broad and its a hurting" never, never, never, never be alone again.

Felix Curds said...

Wow, you writing is simply loverly. You say that you hide behind metaphors and such but I hardly think that at all. It's just very real...

Ruby Oz said...

I have only just created my blog and for the first time in months I'm excited for something. Not many people know what I really get up to, and when I think about it, telling my secrets to strangers is liberating.
I love reading your posts Belle, because as weird as it sounds I find I can relate to you. As for the feeling of a man against you, that feeling you get when you know you're taking him home tonight, it's all real. And I love that someone else feels it too.
Keep telling those stories Belle, because I for one am not going to leave any time soon xo

Lila Rose said...

Gorgeous Belle, I am here to stay. I love reading your blog!
I also tagged you in one of my posts because you're so mysterious I want to know more!
Much love and many hugs to you darling xox