Monday, July 18
I asked her to tell me how she ended up in that alley, with ripped stockings and a need for stesolid and love. I asked her to tell me everything.
She didn't, but she showed me her ribs. Covered with little blue spots, and said
" This used to be the only thing I could feel"
Thursday, July 14
Took mothers journal to bed last night. I now know every word, can recite every page from memory. Yet somehow there's clues yet to be discovered. There are emotions, thoughts well hidden, that I need to find.
Her father wants to go visit Louis for a week, he's sick again and Frank wants to be there for him. Why Belle should come is a mystery to me, she's a child and wont make Louis any favors by running around and being in his way. They're leaving tomorrow, and I can't decide weather or not I'm glad to get rid of them for a while. Frank has always been a better lover for a distance.
I remember me running around Louis house, his boyfriend patiently reading to me at night while Frank and L sat in the library drinking and speaking in vowels.
What I long thought was Louis last words haven't left me yet, they're like a tattoo in my soul.
( You have to remember Belle my dear, that we are nothing but animals. Animals. No matter how many glasses of wine we drink on pure routine )
Monday, July 11
Last night, woke up from a dizzy haze where dreams met hopes and my mother walked the endless hallways with high heels and made clicking sounds. She doesn't belong in my dreams, but neither does rainbows. When guardian angels let me down, I tend to turn to my demons.
She came after nightfall, scars and bruises over her thin arms.
- What happend, dear? I didn't do that, did I? I say, barely covering up my worry
- Nothing, nothing happend.
We sat on the floor, exchanged vows and body fluids, when she suddenly opened her bag and pulled out a needle. Just like Louis used to do. Two shots of Stesolid, three gulps of champagne.
- I love you, you know that right?
- Belle.. Don't go there.
Then we exchanged blood, connected by diseases.