post-motherism

Selfish love yeah we're both alone

The ride before the fall, yeah

But I'm gonna take this heart of stone

I just got to have it all

- Ozzy Osbourne

I am currently the most ambivalent person you've ever had the pleasure of meeting, on one hand I do miss her ( the ice queen, mother, Iris - she has so many names) and long for her and her attention so therefore I am glad that she is coming back, but on the other hand I know she'll mess up the life I have going on here with her presence. And I am well aware of the fact that if I thought she was crazy before, I have hell to look fore ward to know that she is devastated by the death of her lover Tom. And those mother-daughter dinners I vision in my head are not going to happen, she seems to love to disappointing me and why should this time be any different.

After staying through out the whole day in school I went for a long walk with my camera, just thinking and clearing out what thoughts I actually do have inside my intoxicated scull. Red wine in a old water bottle, I assume people thought it was raspberry syrup or something - I don't really care, and cigarettes were the only things feeding me today, and I felt satisfied.

My new found friend Ellie thinks we should have dinner at Nobu tonight, I am not so sure. Letting people in is hard, and unnecessary. I'd rather call one of the many names in my phonebook and have some midnight satisfaction instead. But surely, knowing one more person in London besides Amanda that actually have smart things to say wouldn't be awful. And she did look amazing at the masquerade party..

Bisous