no one brought me cake in bed this morning, no one sang for me. But it is still my birthday

Decade of decadence

hmm It's so hard to find
One rich man in ten with a satisfied mind
- Bob Dylan

Lucy in the sky with diamonds

It was a long time a go since I saw rainbows and flying horses. Maybe I'll go out with Amanda and her pretentious crew tonight just to see where the rainbows are at. My world is far to grey these days, and colour is exactly what I need.

Raw food is good for you

Heidi Slimane

Went out for sushi at Nobu last night with Amanda, drank way to many mai thais and discussed Paris. She hates it. I don't know what I think. The only city I ever really liked is Berlin. All others are simply the same to me, only different looking men and different kinds of Gin.

Amanda claimed me to be looking thinner than ever. Maybe I should post a picture here soon again so that you all can tell me that I don't, because that is how the blogworld works, isn't it? Although I seem to be lucky enough to actualy have some nice readers who leaves sweet comments..

Anyway, the sushi never tastes as good at the restaurante as it does when eaten in bed while watching an old movie. It is not that I hate people, I just rather not hang out near them.

Violated with love

They will see us waving from such greatHeights
'come down now,' they'll say
But everything looks perfect from far away
'come down now,' but we'll stay...
- The postal service

I received a fucking loveletter today. It wasn't an email or even a text but an actual letter, written on papper with ink, sealed and everything. So to all of you who still believe the thought of french men being old fashioned to be a myth, take that. He wrote ten sentences about my eyes, five about my long blonde hair and twenty two about my breasts. Twentyfuckingtwo.

Do I sound upset? Well I am, I feel violated by this. All I wanted in Paris was to get nails pierced into my skin, for someone to pull my hair and to orgasm. I didn't seek any love, and didn't think I got any. But obviosly, there is no way to sleep with someone without emotions. Belive me, I've spent the last three years searching for someone who can fullfill these needs without the emotinal attachment but clearly I still haven't found it. Men are needy and I won't deal with it.

celibacy- it is now my only option.

here's the day you hoped would never come

And so she returns

I was gone, tumbling around in the dark and fogy nights that Paris had to offer this time a year and then I went back home. Arrived to an empty apartment, rain outside and not one glimpse of light to be seen, I had my worn down heels in my hands and lipstick in my hair. My mascara? It was nothing but stripes down my cheeks. What I have been up to you wonder, and so do I. Throwing up, that has been one activity I've been using to pass time, and eating macarones despite the fact that they are way to sweet for me. Red wine and cigarettes and spending the night with different french men who all promised me green forests and fortune have been other ones.

And now, I'll probably sleep for a thousand years.

I'm ill with the thought of your kiss

Should have known you'd bring me heartache

Almost lovers always do

- A Fine Frenzy

I'm sorry darlings but I am currently out of emotions, my head is cloudy and I can't sort out dreams from reality. I'm in haze of Tramadol and wine, and I can't bring myself to write when let alone speach seems impossible for me to handle. So instead I'll give you this

The wonderfull Louise-dahl Wolfe

To know ones soul based on nail polish and drinks.

You said I must eat so many lemons,'cause I am so bitter
I said "I'd rather be with your friends mate,
'cause they are much fitter"
- Kate Nash

Amanda always said she could tell my mood from the colour of my nails when we were fourteen and thought we were women. I always had red nails when I wanted to be choked by a man while piercing his skin with them and light pink when I wanted to have mai tais and feel sorry for myself. But now she says she have to take a sip of whatevers in my glas before she can tell. Apparently gin is a safe sign that I just bought new shoes and want nothing els than to sit alone in my library while wearing them and smoke. And wine.. well when I drink wine she assumes I need company; on the contrary to champagne which I only drink when I don't feel like talking (or if I happen to be at the opera).

And for the last cuple of days when I've been silent and absent, my nails have been dark purple and I've been pouring my mothers champagne bottles down my soar troath and thinking. David Bowies Heroes is on repeat. Can we really be heroes? Just for one day? Or are we all fucked up and miserable?

Men who give girls underwear are idiots.

I did go and I stayed until now. We had gin and tonic in bed, I smoked slowly while he told me about that one album his band recorded 17 years ago that never sold more than a couple of hundred and I laughed. Laughter does not come easy for me so I'll give him points for that. But then he gave me a gift, La Perla underwear and stockings.

I hate men who gives woman underwear, why do they do so? It's like they want you to be the carachter of a movie, the young girl who has an affair with much older guy and gets underwear he thinks she can't afford herself. Excuse me sir, have you seen the red soles under my shoes? If I wanted La Perla I would have bought it myself, but I don't do sweet and theese underwear were unwearably pretty and pink. I like black lace and black lace only and preferably from Agent Provocateur. And I buy them for me, no men shall ever have any influence on what I wear closest to my skin, not even if they are the ones taking it off.

Came home to see that my mother has emailed me five times. She must think I'm dead. If she even thinks about it. I don't want to read them. Do I have to?

pancakes, eggs and bacon

Slip inside the eye of your mind
Don't you know you might find
A better place to play
You said that you'd never been
But all the things that you've seen
Will slowly fade away
- Oasis




Amanda showed up this morning, threw a dress on my bed and said " wear that, put some lipstick on and get ready for brunch".

I don't do brunch. I don't do the whole eating infront of people thing at all. But she was so determined I simply got along with it. We went to The milk bar which isn't my style but Amanda is more of a small places and black coffee kind of girl, I think brunch should include champagne, and she had friends waiting there. I was to hung over to object. Her model boyfriend showed up , and I have to say he is more beautiful in person than he is in the pages of Nylon. Amandas friends are artist or musicians that no one now about but they all think that they are one step away from immortality thanks to their "work". I drank my coffee slowly and pushed pieces of bacon around on my plate. All I wanted was to get away from there and when Amanda finaly looked at me after half an hour of kissing I said good bye and left. I couldn't breath in there.

When I got home there were flowers waiting for me with a card and a key. "Meet me at 8, same room as last time". Maybe I will.



Bisous