My glas is not half empty, it's completely dry

Have you ever reflected over the incredible amount of strength it takes to simply walk straight?

I have several missed calls from Ellie, Amanda and others far less important. I have ten texts of which I have responded none and my doorbell has made sounds three times but I have not opened it once since Tuesday. Why do I still feel alone one might ask. I don't think further about it.

My new favorit that now shares a rating that is one on the top three pills to take is Propavan ,second one is Atarax when taken in large amounts and third is Prozac. So guess what I've been up to these last couples of days.. Yes, sleeping. Like a child

I don't care if Monday's blue

I saw her today at a reception
A glass of wine in her hand
I knew she would meet her connection
At her feet was her footloose man
- Rolling Stones


Something isn't right, I've been social for several days in a row now and it has been wearing me out. It takes a lot of strength to put a smile on everyday to go with your dress and heels, especially since I dress in black all day every day. Black and smiles does not go well together.

So I decided to stay in today, although I did attend school like I promised mother to do. And speaking of her, she has not mentioned anything about moving home although Tom is buriedand now long gone. I guess I should have been careful with my wishes...

Any minute now my Foie gras and a bottle of white wine will appear outside my door and from now on I will not utter a single word until the sun rises again.
Enjoy your evening lovers.

31 rue cambon

I'm guessing you've all heard about the Chanel magazine by Olivier Zahm, are you excited? I thought I would be, I mean Zahm is a god and Chanel is.. well Chanel ( no need for further explanations obviously) but I'm not. Not one bit. Maybe it's just not interesting anymore, or maybe I'm to drunk. I'll give it another thought when sober and then decide whether or not I like it. Why I am telling you this? I have no bloody idea. Maybe cause I want your opinions so that I can adopt them. Yes, that is why.

post-motherism

Selfish love yeah we're both alone

The ride before the fall, yeah

But I'm gonna take this heart of stone

I just got to have it all

- Ozzy Osbourne

I am currently the most ambivalent person you've ever had the pleasure of meeting, on one hand I do miss her ( the ice queen, mother, Iris - she has so many names) and long for her and her attention so therefore I am glad that she is coming back, but on the other hand I know she'll mess up the life I have going on here with her presence. And I am well aware of the fact that if I thought she was crazy before, I have hell to look fore ward to know that she is devastated by the death of her lover Tom. And those mother-daughter dinners I vision in my head are not going to happen, she seems to love to disappointing me and why should this time be any different.

After staying through out the whole day in school I went for a long walk with my camera, just thinking and clearing out what thoughts I actually do have inside my intoxicated scull. Red wine in a old water bottle, I assume people thought it was raspberry syrup or something - I don't really care, and cigarettes were the only things feeding me today, and I felt satisfied.

My new found friend Ellie thinks we should have dinner at Nobu tonight, I am not so sure. Letting people in is hard, and unnecessary. I'd rather call one of the many names in my phonebook and have some midnight satisfaction instead. But surely, knowing one more person in London besides Amanda that actually have smart things to say wouldn't be awful. And she did look amazing at the masquerade party..

Bisous

It's all coming back to me now

Text from my mother woke me up this morning, I have to start turning of my phone when I sleep since I no longer drug myself every night and therefore wake up easily. Tom is dead ; her lover and the reason she moved to Australia to begin with. Heart failure they diagnosed, I'd say that is a suitable ending for his life with my mother. Oh no, I know it's horrible but you have to understand that I do not know the man, I don't care about the man. I hated that man.

But I am a little bit worried now.. Will she come home? How the fuck will I manage that?

Eyes wide shut

Are we really happy here
With this lonely game we play
Looking for words to say?
Searching
But not finding understanding anyway
We're lost in a mas--masquerade
- George Benson

I have one big phobia, one thing that scares me more than anything and that is my own phone. When it rings, my heart literally stops for a second and I shiver when I answer, if I answer. I hate answering my phone even when I know who's calling but today an unknown number called and I still can't believe I had the guts to answer, maybe it is my new found feeling of freedom from the Berlin trip that helped or maybe it was the bottle of Barolo 90's red wine that I poured down my throat after school - either way I did answer and it was one of Amanda’s friends, Ellie who invited me to a masquerade party tonight. You see, these people do not work and they do not study so a party today makes as much since to them as it does on a Friday for normal people. I don't belong in either category but I accepted anyway. If only I had that McQueen masc, that the horrible Lady Gaga had in some editorial I can't remember it would have been perfect, but I don't and I doubt that there is anyone in London who'll bring it to my door before the dark falls, and I don't do shopping. I don't do stores, and I especially don't do sales.

I guess I'll have to find something in my mothers closet, I told you she dated a man who stole things from the Danish operas closet didn't I? I bet she has something worth wearing thanks to that wonderful man.

Deathism

I never had a dog that liked me some
Never had a friend or wanted one
So I just lay back and laugh at the sun
- Frank Sinatra

I'll tell you all about Berlin later today since I am actualy going to school now. To prepare myself for a day of horrible experiences such as having to talk to my fellow classmates I've started the day with two gin and tonics and half a Tramadol. Now I'm numb enought to shut their idiotic talk out and simply wander off inside my own head.

Have a nice day lovers.

sea green, see blue - Jaymay

What ever I wear, I look to short and what ever I write isn't good enough. That's why I am such an awful blogger right now.

Fur: old and used, belonged to my grandmother. Bracelets: Mar by Marc Jacobs

Dress: stolen from the married mans closet, I assume it belonges to his wife. She is thin for a woman her age. Or maybe I'm fat. Anyway, a stolen dress is better than a dress you bought for yourself, and what is she going to do about it?

Escapism

I'm well aware of the fact that I just got home from several days in Paris, but I already feel like I need to get out of here. I hate London, it's all bullocks here. The streets are dead and cold, the music and parties are all dull and empty and I can't handle it.

Besides a pair of Jimmy Choos, a marc by Marc Jacobs bracelet and diamond earings shaped like teardrops my mother also sent an clear check with the note " Buy yourself a ticket over here and take a swim with me"

I don't think so.. I'll go shopping tomorrow and then I'll escape town again. It was a long time since I visited Mike in Berlin, an old friend of mine from my early days as a manhunter. He wasn't my first, but that wasn't what I told him and after that he has sent me flowers every birthday. Besides, there is life in Berlin and I need some of that.

no one brought me cake in bed this morning, no one sang for me. But it is still my birthday